There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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