they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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