Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
