I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
