Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
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it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
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This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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