I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
