How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
