you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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