There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
