college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
