No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
