i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
