oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
