Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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