someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
