I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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