Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
