she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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