I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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