The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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