Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I FOUND THE LEGS
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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