I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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