I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
