You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
It was confusing and full of hummus
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
