Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
