Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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