Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Holy sore nipples Batman
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
