Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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