Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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