my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
