Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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