I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
My ATM looks so different sober.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
