we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
