Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Randomize
