Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
