Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
