And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
