Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Im part way to drunk.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Randomize
