just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
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There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
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Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?