do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
