My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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