pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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