so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
