Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
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Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
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He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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