Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
