it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
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To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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