I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
