Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You can't just leave with hair like that
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
