To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
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