Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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