I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
