i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
