hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
