I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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