for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
