I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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