I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
