I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.