I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
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I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE