Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Randomize
