I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
